Ricky Van Veen Wants To Help YOU Get Married By Thirty

Do you just HAVE to get married by the time you turn 30, or ELSE? And you're...28? And a half? Oh, girl. It's time to get serious about finding Mr.Right. It's time to pull out the big guns. It's time to let Ricky Van Veen find you a husband on National Television.-

[Photo by Oscar Hidalgo for NY Times]

Maybe you moved to New York after years of watching Sex And The City on TBS, telling yourself you'd shoot for a Mr.Big but totally settle for a Harry.

Maybe you gave yourself a strict time-line in which you'd reach the peak of your career at 27, marry a lawyer at 29, have your first child at 30 (a boy), your second child at 31(a girl), and twins at 33.

Maybe you just want your picture in the Times while you still look good, and not old, in white.

Except you're 28 now. And Match.com and J-Date fell through. And potential boyfriends are getting freaked out by your all-too-frequent "Looking at wedding videos..sigh" updates at 3 am.

What's a quickly shriveling girl to do?

Apply to be on "Married By 30", the new Notional show that's casting NYC girls (think Gossip Girl or Sex And The City, but more desperate) who REALLY (really.) want to get married before they turn 30.

The show is for a "premier, upscale cable network" (so we're guessing WE is out?). Single women and gay men (Ugh! THEY don't have biological clocks! What do THEY know about this?) will set their own wedding date and have cameras follow their search for Mr. Right.

"We are looking for smart, successful girls and guys with personality to spare."

Smart, successful, frighteningly needy girls, you mean?

"Ideally, you live, work and socialize in Manhattan."

Soooo, if you live and work in Manhattan, but socialize in Staten Island, you are OUT!

"You should be part of the New York social scene and preferably spend summers in the Hamptons."

So basically, please be a cool girl, who still somehow needs a television show in order to entice guys into dating her.

This DEFINITELY sounds like it's going to work! In fact, why haven't single girls thought of this sooner? Pick a totally arbitrary date that you want to get married on (I choose October 4, 2011!), and then happily approach guys at bars or Hamptons pool parties. If your quarry asks about the film crew that's taping your awkward first conversation, just breezily explain that you're on a reality show because you desperately want to get MARRIED in 12 months.

It's BOUND to work!

Because, if anyone knows marriage, it's THIS guy: