The Alternative Mother's Day Survival Guide

You know those slightly grating "36 Hours In Sheboygan" pieces that run regularly in the Times? They usually have the journalist, who moonlights as a boating enthusiast, stake out some quaint corner of the country for two days while reporting back on the rigors of his winery tasting schedule. You can almost hear the glee seeping out from his blackberry-and-buckwheat-pancake-stuffed mouth. In that spirit, I give you the alternative Mother's Day guide to "36 Hours In The Depths of Maternal Guilt." No passport necessary:

Brown Bag Industries: Whoopie pies and chocolate cake. Relive your childhood with the woman who threatened to end it when you kept breaking curfew! Watch out, their website is like foodie porn. May not be safe for hungry co-workers.

Brooklyn Flea: Act like an outdoor flea market is your version of Barney's and she just might pity you enough to fund a shopping trip. To, uh, Daffy's.

Stone Street Oyster Fest: Fruit of her loins meets fruit of the sea. Gross, I know. Just keep drinking and you can forget that your parents actually had to be in the same room together for your conception..

The Frying Pan: Like a senior's cruise but not at all.

Bike Fetish Festival: For those of you who had bike decorating parties with your 6 six year old pals (streamers!), this is for you. Do not arm your mother with a camera.

New York States of Mind: New Yorkers are just the rats in this social "laboratory."