What We Can Learn From Duke University's Scandals

Duke, we get it. Mummy and Pops shell out $50k a year in tuition so you’re entitled to misbehave a little. But lately, you almost-Ivy Leaguers have been in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons!

Here are a few things the rest of us have learned from the Blue Devils.

“Bitches” love elitist misogynistic, grammatically incorrect party invites.

As much as intelligent young ladies enjoy being referred to as “bitches,” and “dressing up as slutty [nurses]… slutty [schoolgirls] or just [total sluts],” there might be that errant prude, (probably a women’s studies major), who takes offense to such terms. Alpha Delta Phi lures the ladies in by promising to save them from, “Durhamites.” You know, because God help any Blue Devil that encounters a townie/non-Dukie of Durham! And Sigma Nu, saying, “Our level of intoxication will sufficiently frighten you,” sounds like a premeditated excuse for date rape. Lastly, boys, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Seriously, even a fourth grader in public school knows that!

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America’s biggest man-Whore/Duke Law grad needs to pay up!

Tucker Max chronicles his drunken, sexual exploits on his oh-so-classy blog. He’s also received his J.D. from Duke Law in 2001. This upstanding gentleman/walking STD is back in the news with Duke University. He’s being sued for unpaid tuition. (Clearly he’s putting that degree to good use!) But, hey, money’s money, right?

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Ladies, too, should chronicle all sexual conquests in great detail.

Duke student Karen Owen rose to infamy when her “F*ck List” went viral. The Blue Devil’s thesis-style analysis of the lacrosse, baseball and tennis players she slept made national headlines. She didn’t seem too embarrassed though about having detailed every lover's performance and physical attributes. We're betting she gets her own sex column.

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Don’t Skimp on the Stripper!

In 2006, three members of the Duke lacrosse team were falsely accused of raping the stripper they hired for their party. (In their defense, all guys were declared innocent.) However, gentleman, next time you hire a girl to “dance provocatively” for your teammates, go through a legit agency. You’ll shell out a few more bucks than you would for the stripper/escort you found on your own, but you’ll save hundreds of thousands in legal fees later.

We say this in jest, and because deep down, we know you're a well-ranked, high-caliber university. You’re smart kids (or well-connected legacies). So behave yourselves, and get your dime's worth out of that inanely overpriced degree!