The Best Facebook Event Message: How To Get People To Your Party

In today's supersaturated market, when a Facebook account and side "DJ" career qualify promoters, how do you make your Facebook invite stand apart from the rest? How do you actually mobilize the troops? And HOW do you avoid getting dismissed as just another sleazy promoter sending out mass messages to every contact from the last five years in your phone?

Well first off, you need to make an impact and let people know exactly what the night is going to be about. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and in this case, advising guests to make appointments at the abortion clinic for the next day is not the way to do it. You want to intrigue your guest list with your ingenuity and wit, not with knowledge gained from your adventures in being a dipshit—you're just embarrassing yourself and probably the people reading them.

Adam 12's are a shining example of how it's done. Arguably the best Facebook event messages in all of L.A., he has impressed us week after week with his signature notifications sent out to all those invited to his AFEX Thursday night party. We so enjoy reading them and sharing them with our friends that we'd like to share this week's with you. Here's the message for tonight's AFEX with the subject line "To those of you planning on coming to AFEX this week, we apologize for the following changes":

There will be no Dubstep Britney. There will be no trance keyboard hip hop. There will be no Jonas Brothers assholes. There will be no Dr. Phil. There will be no Nicki Minaj. There will be no Brazilians stealing your phone. There will be no 40s left after midnight. There will be no Swag. There will be no Swagger. There will be no Swag Sex. There will be no Swag Surfin. There will be no Swag Poop. There will be no music produced after 1995. There will be no Olsen Twins "Pizza". There will be no kids crying for Bieber. There will be no babies by Bieber, nor any Biebernaires. There will be no wack DJs. There will be no wires hanging from the DJ booth this week. There will be no DJs based on hype. There will be no dumb time of your life cover songs. There will be no trending topics other than #ifyourenotatafexyouretripping There will be no ew ew ew ew ew (dutch house). There will be no funny music. There will be no rapper energy drinks. There will be no chick stealing my bottle of Patron. There will be no cocktail waitresses with head-shots. There will be no Goo Goo nor GaGa. There will be no DJs that started on Serato. There will be no Team Edward. There will be no BEP. There will be no BEP. There will be no BEP. There will be no Kings of Leon. There will be no fries served before their time. There will be no shout outs. There will be no chick we nicknamed "Poopie-Pants" at my 2008 Thanksgiving party.. There will be no Forever 21 managers with keys around their arm. There will be no David Guetta. There will be no pickles. There will be no Perez. There will be no #fail. There will be no dudes grabbing girls. There will be no bad jazz nor bad jizz. There will be no Kanye interruptions. There will be no panties on the bathroom floor (again). There will be no Fergie. There will be no Adam 12 making Adam Lambert feel like an idiot. Again. There will be no MTV. There will be no Love of Ray J. There will be no Jersey Shore. There will be no vampires or merch with vampires on it. There will be no facebook. There will be no Stromae. There will be no pigeons. There will be no Ja Pigeon. There will be no Drake. There will be no Miley. There will be no bad music. There will be no ironic music, for the sake of being ironic. There will be no words that rhyme with orange. There will be no Usher requesting Usher, again. There will be no BEP.

See what we mean? Take Adam 12's lead on the Facebook tip and maybe people will start coming to your parties. Keep it simple. And keep it real.