Explaining The Demise Of Justin Theroux & Jennifer Aniston

Or, alternatively, Justin's Bulge & Jennifer's Nipples Have Separated.

I know, I know, that headline must confuse you a bit. But hear me out.

So after two years of marriage (not to mention seven years together), Justin and Jennifer have announced their separation. We all should've saw this coming because they went on a tropical vacay, just like Jen and Brad did before they announced their separation.

I remember where I was the day Jen and Brad Pitt announced their divorce (January 8th, 2005). It was 9 days after my 13th birthday and I was on Harbor Island. I was inconsolable. I remember where I was the day Angelina and Brad announced their divorce (September 20th, 2017). I was walking down Amsterdam on my way to class when I saw and I screamed in the middle of the street. Ironically, I stopped in front of one of those giant SmartWater ads where Jennifer Aniston appears effervescent, glowing, as close to euphoric as a mere mortal can be. I was elated. And I remember where I was the day Justin and Jen announced their divorce. Because it was yesterday. I was on my way to a party at SIXTY Soho Hotel and I was actually wearing the same studded booties I was wearing when I found out about Brad and Angelina's divorce. And I was like, "Shit, this is a really awful day to give up drinking." I felt so bad for Jen. But not that bad, because she'll win, as she always does.

Jennifer Aniston? Total catch. Ageless beauty. Warm hearted and has such a wonderful sense of humor. Not wonderful enough to make an episode of Friends bearable to watch once you're over the age of 16, but her omnipresent nipples that are so hard they could cut diamonds are what kept that show on for a decade. 

Justin Theroux? He's daddy as fuck and, unless you've been living under a rock, you've seen his bulge. Sure, it's not Jared "Hollywood Thunder" Leto's meter long king kong dong or Eagles quarterback Big Dick Nick Foles' downstairs situation, but it's a sight to behold. 

I'm a pervert so that's all I really see here. Two good-looking people who have good-looking sex are now breaking up because, let's be real here, the good-looking sex is what kept them together for so long because I'm sure Justin is insufferable.

Justin Theroux is that guy you dated freshman year of college who tricked you into thinking he was super deep because he liked Nietzsche, had a poetry blog, and wore all black. Then he justified cheating on you with a deadass ugly theater chick (behind the scenes theater chick might I add because she's that ugly) because you didn't come to his musical theater rendition of "Nightmare Before Christmas" that he somehow turned into a story about heroin addiction. It dawned on you way too late that guys who actually understand Nietzsche don't understand basic human decency. Throughout your relationship, he shit all over you for buying $8.50 matcha lattes and $43 boxing classes at Dogpound because you're a slave to conspicuous consumption, only to find out years later that he grew up in a mansion with a pool and a tennis court along with a summer house on coastal New England. And then you'll get extra pissed because you realize he was mooching off of you for money throughout the relationship and even stole money from you at one point. I'm *totally* not speaking from personal experience here. 

I actually have it on really good authority that Justin is legit from this kind of waspy family by the way. His mom was besties with my great aunt before my great aunt died. I don't wanna get too into how waspy my great aunt is because that's gauche, but let's just say she was even waspier than the Winklevosses. Waspier than the Kennedys. So he comes from a wealthy, waspy fam. He even went to my great aunt's west coast funeral (I only went to the east coast one so I didn't get to see him). So his hipster shtick is bullshit. 

But while the "Poor Jen" tabloid covers will be an ongoing pattern for the next couple of years (remember that with Brad?), we must remember the pattern that ensued once Brad and Jen split. Jen got the sexy version of Brad, the kind where his bone structure and abs looked like they were chiseled by Michelangelo himself. But once Brad got with Angelina and had a buttload of condom accidents, he wasn't exactly a dad in the streets, daddy in the sheets if you're picking up what I'm putting down. So Angelina got the beat to shit Brad and Jen moved onto kegel fitspiration Justin Theroux, who comes off as a fraudulent hipster type whose parents paid for his Williamsburg apartment well into his 30s, but still he's stupid hot. So we can only anticipate that Justin will move on instantly to a bitch that seems almost as ice cold and crazy as Angelina, and he will age terribly. Jennifer, on the other hand, will eventually move on to a younger stallion of a man who is so attractive that he seems beyond mortal. 

And so is the circle of life, my bitches. Mufasa sang about that shit, so you know it's real.

[Photo via Getty]