"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Secrets Of Art Basel

As we may have mentioned once or twice, our eyes were turned east this weekend towards our favorite city in all of South America, Miami, as they celebrated Art Basel. Those of you without trust funds may be asking, "just what is Art Basel?" Be aware that simply asking this question has already cost you a shot on the guest list.

A quick trip to the official website should give us a pretty clear mission statement, right?

"Art Basel Miami Beach is the most important art show in the United States, a cultural and social highlight for the Americas."

Oh. Well, that's pretty direct. Still, it's a weighty declaration, a testament to a high-minded dedication to the arts. One might envision genteel art aficionados politely lined up outside of galleries, waiting to breathlessly discuss the earnest merits of a frozen sheep.

But this is Miami, so more often than not, The Most Important Art Show In The Americas features guest-list-only parties sponsored by vodka companies and interlocking sculptures of horses having sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In fact, having previously been a resident of Miami Beach, I can tell you that there's nothing bad about Art Basel, which is just as much fun as Winter Music Conference, the Super Bowl, and the other major religious holidays of Miami. But, like the other major holidays of Miami, there's really only one major form of worship, and that involves bottomless mojitos and bathrooms that more than one person can fit into.

Besides, if you're really honest with yourself, how profound and artistic can any place be if Lance Armstrong is there? Because wherever Lance is, Matthew McConaughey is never far behind.

[Photos via Style]