"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Deciphering Dance Floor Sign Language, Hemingway's Edition

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The number one complaint of L.A. tourists is how confusing the nightlife can be. They make plans to hit Hollywood and Malibu in the same night, not realizing it takes 8 hours of driving to get from one to the other. They dress too fancy, and are then confused when their patent leather shoes get them sent to the back of the line. They don't understand why Jamie Kennedy keeps following them into the men's room and asking for spare change. But most of all, they just don't understand our sign language. So once, again, with a little help from Hemingway's, here's a quick guide to what the hippest kids at the party are saying to each other without opening their mouths.

The seemingly aggressive extended claw that our friend here is unleashing is, in reality, the exact opposite of a threatening gesture. In fact, it is a cry for help, with the lion-like claw indicating that he is not interested in women and has been "pounced on" and requires the assistance of a friendly game ranger or passerby. Unfortunately, this is a rather obscure gesture, even by L.A. nightlife standards, and nobody is coming to help him.

We asked this woman to put up one finger for every person she's ever killed in a nightclub. The answer is five.

While not exactly a sign language gesture, we felt this was too fascinating not to point out. As you can see, the girl on the left has an iPhone program that's actually controlling the girl dancing on the right. That's right, there's an app for that, although as you can tell, it doesn't work too well yet. We recommend waiting for version 2.0.

It's not that she regrets the day that the magic traveling wizard transformed her from a Swan into a real girl. But sometimes she misses her swan family. You understand, right?

Even at fancy L.A. nightclubs, people fart. And even at fancy L.A. nightclubs, they blame each other. But blaming the cameraman is pretty low.