"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Couples Therapy At The Red Bull Music Academy

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Wednesday's Red Bull Music Academy Session at Bardot was a lot of things to a lot of people. To the music enthusiast, it was an all-day and night series of lectures, workshops, and high-energy DJ sets from legends like Arabian Prince. To the caffeine fiend, it was the best place in the city to score free Red Bull. But to the couple in turmoil, fighting against the tide to keep their rocky relationship afloat, it was a last chance at happiness.

Couple: Franklin and Amy

Issues: He doesn't like that she smokes, she can't stand his taste in jackets.

Resolution: While Rhettmatic of the Beat Junkies was in the midst of a premium workshop, our licensed Best $2k Couples Therapists fed each of them 64 ounces of Red Bull. They then took them through a set of trust falls and calmly explained to them that while they each seemed to view their own choices as personal entitlement issues, both smoking and wearing shiny jackets with sideways pockets could, to a significant other, also seem like basic courtesy issues. Each of them agreed that while stopping entirely was outside the realm of what they were willing to do, both could significantly cut back on their nasty habits out of respect for the other.

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Couple: Vladimir and Lucretia

Issues: He doesn't like that she dresses provocatively in public, she refuses to change and thinks he should join the party by dressing "hotter".

Resolution: During deck master Samiyam's DJ set, our therapists worked tirelessly with these two to resolve the attractiveness gap. Determining that dangerous men are sexier, we equipped Vlad with some Chuck Norris engraved nunchucks to take with him everywhere he goes, a tattoo of a bear, and an eyepatch. As his self esteem rose, we found that he was less concerned with his girlfriend's midriff-baring tops. Winning!

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Couple: Ben and Jerry

Issues: None!

Resolution: Ben and Jerry seem to be the happiest couple we've ever seen. Even though Ben (white T) is a party animal and Jerry (green flannel) is more comfortable debating German philosophy over a nice glass of port, they always indulge each others' interests, demonstrate good faith, and never withhold affection. Quite frankly, they're perfect together. And where did they meet? Last year's Red Bull Music Academy.