New York Times Is Unsure About Montauk, Thanks To Shark Attack Sounds

The New York Times asks, "Has Montauk lost its cool or is it more fun?" - a pressing question that has been lingering unanswered for a while now. The Times uses Ben Watts' Shark Attack Sounds as a way to witness the clashing cultures of the high end Hamptons migrating all the way to the more "laid back" Montauk. But the real question isn't has Montauk lost its cool, but rather, why are those who prefer the glitz of Southampton keep trying to force a friendship with MTK? Here are a few reasons why Southampton vacationers should save their gas...

1. "Things didn’t get groovy until 11 p.m., when carloads of feral partyers streamed in with slinky batik dresses, worn with moccasins or flip-flops."

There are a few key uses of diction here: Feral, slinky, groovy and carloads. People in Southampton would never describe something as "groovy" unless they were trying to make some sort of half-ass joke insulting someone who doesn't have a trust fund. People in Montauk however tend to have a more laid-back vibe, or at least pretend they do, so groovy is much more Montauk-appropriate especially when these "feral partiers" are sporting moccasins or flip flops.

They are most definitely getting their groove on...

The description of partyers being "feral" is also very telling of the Montauk crowd. What other type of people would frequent a bar named "Rick’s Crabby Cowboy"? (Or "The Sloppy Tuna" for that matter.)  I'm just imagining really skinny girls with long, ratty hair dancing in their own world in their slinky dresses that enhanced their side boob, pretending like they don't notice. Southampton has no patience for this type crowd unless, again, they were going for some sort of wry humor or something.

2. "And inside the restaurant, thronging the only bar serving hard alcohol, were the Southampton summer-sharers, in oxford shirts and Bermuda shorts, their female counterparts in stilettos that kept sinking into the sand, a red flag of the uninitiated."

The girls rockin' stilettos clearly had never been to or heard of Ricky's Crabby Cowboy, because if they had, they would have at least known that heels definitely would have been uncomfortable and overdressed. Secondly, they didn't realize that Shark Attack Sounds was a complete dance-fest and wearing stilettos doesn't exactly foster any type of real dancing. But those types of girls don't really dance anyway and neither do the guys. Their version of partying is constantly scanning the room, looking for someone to insult, insulting them, snickering, and then repeating that entire process.

These people have no shame in looking like they're having a great time...

3."'Montauk fashion is bohemian and haphazard, never polished,'"

Would anyone be wearing this at AXE Lounge or Nellos? Would Alessandra wear this to SL East?

The answer is no. Only in Montauk.

4. "The last standing made plans for various after-parties; a bonfire at Ditch Plains, a gathering at a house in Napeague."

That's right - after parties do not usually include a pool party at some sprawling mansion. Why? For starters, the sprawling, ostentatious mansions of Southampton are not found this far out east. Plus, what's so exciting about a pool party? People can be embarrassing and drunk around any pool, anywhere. Just because your pool sits on 10 overpriced acres really doesn't make it that exclusive.

We were gonna have a bonfire, but then we realized you can't buy hay in Southampton...

So New York Times, I will say this: the "blue collar resort" is not ruined by all the newbies, just the ones that were found inside clutching their vodka tonics. And as far as being "bolstered by the influx", I would say that Ben and Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, and Alessandra Ambrosio aren't too shabby, no?