Suit Up!

...Or don't. Because I don't think these bathing suits are exactly Hamptons beach-friendly for a couple of reasons. When I first heard of Kiniki's tan through bikinis, and that they're barely keeping them in stock, I was stoked (as the surfer boys say). Considering the amount of sun we've been getting out here (uh, none), I'll go to just about any extent to get some color, short of crawling in a tanning bed. Since 80% of the sun's UV rays get through the thing, I knew I'd be constantly applying sunscreen all day, but hell, I'm getting desperate. But not desperate enough to wear the prints the suits are made in. Because these things only come in two categories: Real Housewives of New Jersey Animal Print and Technicolor Vomit. Damn. And I was almost on the fast track to a full body bronze. The only thing that could be worse would be if I was a guy, and in the market for one of these. Because the British brand keeps true to their European roots, men have only one of two choices: short hipster or a thong. Imagine seeing a man in a leopard thong approaching you on Cooper's Neck Beach. Sorry Kinicki, but it looks like it'll be another season of tan lines for the Hamptons this year.