The Best Guests Come Bearing Gifts: Human Breast Milk Ice Cream

Going to a birthday party? What goes better with cake than ice cream? Years of tradition tell us nothing, but there is a way to up the standard and bring this reliable combo to new heights of flavor and symbolism: human breast milk ice cream. -

On a day when you're facing the fact that you are one year older, grayer, balder, fatter, and closer to death, revisiting the sweet flavor of those first few few months of childhood are guaranteed to make you feel younger in the way that all forms of baby nostalgia (pony rides, clowns, diapers, gurgling noises instead of words) do. Right? Right? No one will be grossed out.  The body and all its secretions are a beautiful part of nature.

Make your own if you can, ask a friend who just gave birth, or fly to London and go to Icecreamists to get your own $23 scoop of "Baby Gaga," which is not only made of human breast milk, but is served by a woman dressed in a Lady Gaga costume. Being served by a Lady Gaga impersonator is worth two tens and some change on it's own. Because it's that difficult to look like someone dressed in a ridiculous costume that covers the entire face. Pure talent.

Lady Gaga recently created a perfume that was based on the scent of semen and her own blood sample, which means we are just a few headlines away from human blood milkshakes and human semen waffle syrup. Who out there can't wait? Booze will be added to ensure that people can stay on her "drunk diet," thus fulfilling all elements of Products For People Who Are So Celebrity Obsessed They Will Do Anything A Person Who Lives For Shock Value Tells Them Is Cool.  Katy Perry, though it's not confirmed, is probably really into this whole thing and would love human breast milk whipped cream.

But instead of dreaming of the future, lets focus on what's on our plate today. Baby Gaga tastes like the boobs of 15 volunteers mixed with the added zest of vanilla pods and lemons.

"What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" says Hiley, a woman who responded to an advert for milk suppliers on parenting website, Mumsnet and donated to Icreamists. "What could be more natural than fresh, free-range mother's milk in an ice cream?"

It's free range! Free. Range.

And again-not gross.  Just ask Mirium Simun, the New York maker of a breast milk cheese, which she dubbed  Human Cheese. Mmmmm, sounds irresistible in that Hannibal Lector/Alive (but without the murder! and struggle for survival!!) kind of way.  Last year, Chef Daniel Angerer of Klee Brasserie offered a cheese appetizer made from his wife’s breast milk...before the Health Dept told him to stop.

THE HEALTH DEPT. Something to think about with your cake and breast milk ice cream.